Social Awkwardness or Potentially Falling?

Whether nature, or nurture, or a diplomatic mixture of both, I'll never know. Whatever the cause I've found that in terms of conversation and small talk with mild acquaintances, I cannot be any less interested. Yet when it comes to eavesdropping on complete strangers I am fascinated to the point of falling out of my chair straining to hear. The result is social awkwardness during the former, and potential physical injury on the latter, dependant on the height of the chair and my ability to get my arms and hands in the appropriate position to break my fall.


I'll never cease to be amazed by some of my socially-talented friends, who I can leave alone after introducing them to someone with whom nothing perceptible might be had in common, only to return ten minutes later and find them slapping one another on the back like old friends and rounding out the interaction with an inside joke I'm not even aware of.

I've stared long and hard at many strangers in vain attempts to figure out the secret of common ground and have found, time and time again, that none is to be found.

I'll admit the blame lies solely on my shoulders. I don't have much interest in many of the subjects serving as a launching pad for successful small talk. No major fascination with professional sports (although I'll never not watch men's soccer, can I get an Amen?) I don't watch a lot of popular television shows, which tends to make people uncomfortable. I assure you I'm not taking some sort of stand against anything. I just never watch television. I've come to understand the characters on Jersey Shore are endlessly entertaining, and a certain television star drops himself in the middle of nowhere and drinks his own urine until he can find a way out of abominable terrain, but every time I fist pump at parties people look at me as though I'm missing the point. Trying to discuss the nutritional merit of drinking ones own urine also results in suspicious glances.

I'm looking forward to World Cup soccer, but everyone hates soccer, except every other country other than the United States, where I happen to reside. Perhaps I would really shine in conversations held with British people. We might have everything in the world in common. I could say things like “I love soccer and fish and chips and Winston Churchill!” and we would all have a smashing good time. The group of them would compliment me on my strapping good looks, cutting wit, and snappy dress. I would tell them that in America, I am very popular and am good at talking to people. They would believe my unabashed lies with trusting adoration. I would make comparisons concerning British vs. American culture and we would have a good laugh about how everything they do is silly and about how everything Americans do is right. Then they would emulate me in an attempt to be more American. I would explain to them that the only annoying thing about living in America is our governments obstinate refusal to allow the general public to own machine guns and everyone has to just make do with the wimpy little revolvers and automatic rifles placed in our hands at birth. They would all agree, and try to figure out how to change the laws in Britain so everyone there can own machine guns too, even their pets. I’ll explain that American citizens are the type of people who train killer whales to allow us to stand on their noses and are shocked when the whale tries to eat us. Despite how well we are getting along I can’t help but sabotage myself eventually. I’d first rouse the groups anger by mentioning Big Ben’s inability to compare to many U.S. landmarks.

“In the U.S.A. we don’t need a clock. We tell everyone what time it is.”

The Brits might let this one slide, and blame it on the booze, but an off-color remark about the Queen would surely have me thrown bodily from the premise. Even in my own fantasy scenario’s I find a way to make social interaction awkward.

I've found that social encounters boil down to three steps.

Step 1: What kind of shit do you like?

Step 2: This is the kind of shit that I like.

Step 3: Does any of this shit have anything in common?

If you check yes at the step 3 box congratulations! You've made a new friend. If no, run! Because they will want to start talking to you about politics, religion, or the space program.